Shorts again cause i can

Lets talk about change! I know I've written another post concerning people changing, but this topic needs to be revisited because I have been in this bubble. This huge bubble of trying to be me but without changing. I feel like so many people have changed but I know I don't have the right to get angry because I just don't. But people are allowed to change so what is wrong with me? why do I feel like they're not allowed. I'm so hateful that its depressing. I think I'm jealous. Of course I am. They're becoming better at life and I am slowly falling into my hole. I should change. I shouldn't want to be stuck being this awkward person. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. I hate myself.
Happy Late April Fools and Happy late Easter.
byes.

I believe in magic :)

Today I watched Grey's Anatomy. I think it was season 6 and there's this one part, where the blonde pediatrician was explaining to the other doctors about entering pediatrics. And she says :

"These are tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic, they play pretend, there is fairy dust in their IV bags and they cross their fingers and they make wishes and that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. they believe. In Peds, we have miracles and magic and in Peds, anything is possible. "


With all my heart, I felt the love. And it felt like a huge sign. I feel more sure and more pumped up to be as good as any doctor. I have this thing, where I'm afraid. I'm so afraid of failing. I'm afraid of the vivah exams where i have to speak and tell them what is what. I am so scared. The most craziest things in my life always make the most afraid. I need to brave up and go for it. There shouldn't be anything stopping me from being good right? 
I hate when I think too much and especially when there are doubts in my life. Decisions suck! 


Farewell humans.

How Vitagen saved me

In my last post I said that I drank wine. I didn't mention that I drank wine on an empty stomach. I'm an idiot. Don't ever drink wine on an empty stomach. It hurts your insides. So I at night I was trying to sleep and I couldn't. My stomach was hurting. It was burning from the inside. I felt like ripping out my skin and just pouring cold water all over my insides. I could have woken up my parents, but that wouldn't have helped me at all. The last time I had such terrible gastric I went to my parents. They gave me vitagen and I sipped it and slept. So this time I was like, i don't want to wake them up cause they won't be able to help me. I ended up going downstairs and watching tv and I tried to sleep on the couch, but I couldn't. The pain was really very terrible. Lucky me, I checked the fridge and there was vitagen! 

This is vitagen: 

I like the white one. So i sipped that and as time went on, my stomach got better. This all went up to 5am and I wasn't even sleepy! Can you believe that? With all that pain I should have been worn out. The next day, I told my mother that I couldn't sleep and that it hurt very badly and she just laughed and said, next time you shouldn't drink wine. -_- Great parenting. Sigh.

Whenever I get gastric it's just terrible. It really burns. I don't know if it's just me? If you people get  this kind of pain then I feel your pain, literally. Last year was just one of those years where I got sick a lot. I think it's partially because I wanted to get sick. Anyways, what you can take from this post is that you should never drink wine on an empty stomach! 

Farewell humans.

How nice to see you again :)

I am going to try and make this post a happy one. I don't know if it's possible but I will try. I mean I should try.

So today was my grandmother's birthday. See that's a happy start right? Anyways, in the afternoon my aunty came with her 3 children and we cut the cake and all that and my parents had gone to work and sister had gone for tuition. So we were watching tv and they said lets have some wine. So I took out what I thought were the wine glasses and we poured ourselves some wine. And I realize that I don't really like wine. :S I mean I took a really long time to drink it compared to the other 2. But they are older than me so I guess experience is a factor here. And I felt really weird because even though I know I am of legal age now, I don't feel like an adult. Maybe it's because I don't want to feel like and adult. woah...need to get back to happy thoughts.

So that happened and it was really cool cause it was like 3 generations. :D So yeah. Urm, being the very mainstream person that I am, I've been listening to Stay by Rihanna feat Mikky Ekko. It's very soothing. And I like the fact that the only instrument involved is the piano..I think ok maybe like 1 other instrument?..and then you have the voices. It goes very beautifully together. The simplicity in the song is very refreshing.

Happy thoughts......well, I've got none... none that I would like to share? I don't know. I feel worried. I don't know why. Well, life goes on.
farewell humans.

You....tube? sure

I need to socialize. Seriously. I know I'm bad at it and people will think I'm weird and all that other stuff but I feel like maybe if I socialize with people more, I get better at it? Practice makes perfect? I just want to talk to someone. I feel like everyone is just disappearing and there's no way for me to say anything. Yes, blogging is stress relief but I want to talk. Like use my mouth to say stuff. Why do I feel like this. It's not fun. Especially when you know that you're stuck at home and talking to people face to face in real life is quite difficult. Why have I become this person? What did I do damn it! -_-

Anyways, I just wanted to introduce to you guys some people on youtube who are fun to watch. Urm, I'm pretty sure most of the world already know but if you don't then here they are :
nigahiga (Ryan Higa),
kevjumba (Kevin smtg.. I'm a terrible fan.. I know),
charlieissocoollike (Charlie Mcdonnel..i think that's the right spelling? I dunno :S),
AmazingPhil (Phil Lester),
danisnotonfire (Daniel Howell... one L or two L...i dunno :S),
theDOMINICshow (D-trix),
JennaMarbles (Jenna smtg...Marbles?..I seriously suck -_-),
nerimon (Alex Day),
chestersee (Chester.. See?..I suck)

Ya.... that's some of them. I'm a bad fan. (insert picture of fan here)

BYE!

I don't have a title for this post..I am too lazy to think of one :)

I've been on youtube a lot. Why? Cause I can yo.
Urm, I've been on youtube a lot because I found a new youtuber. Daniel Howell? Yeah and also Phil. I don't know Phil's full name :S Bad fan.
Anyways, their youtube channels are danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil.
They're both actually quite cool. They're very interesting story tellers. I guess that's why they're so easy to listen to. And they're very down to earth and just cool dudes basically. But not the kind of cool where you want to punch them. The kind of cool that makes you want to be their friends. So yeah. IF anyone in the world cares to read my blog, you should definitely go check them out.

So, the issue has been resolved. I decided to let it go. What else can I do right? I told myself to be the bigger person and just get on with life. I talk a lot these days, and I think I've actually started talking sense compared to talking about rubbish. I enjoy a good intelligent conversation. It keeps the mind going.

I've been having nightmares. I don't like them. I'm always in situations where I am scared but nothing weird happens. I just know that I'm supposed to be scared. I don't like these dreams. The weird thing is, I don't wake up sweating. Usually when I have a bad dream I sweat and my heart beats very fast. I had a dream once, about a dinosaur chasing me and my family. it was like a Jurassic Park dream and I woke up panting and sweating from that dream. But these dreams I'm like ---- wake up with fast heart beat, then go back to realizing that I have to actually wake up now because it's already late morning--- Life I tell you.

I've been thinking about love a lot. It's depressing. I basically hate the world. -_-
What to do? Life goes on. Ok then, farewell people. :)

Change for who?

So, today I was called beautiful. Interesting feeling when someone compliments you. I came back home and I looked at my face and asked myself "What do they see that I don't see?". I made up my mind that my hair looked nice but my face..yeck...hmmmm...yes, I am too self conscious but the difference between me and the rest of the world is that I don't do anything about my look. I may hate it and myself, but I feel like if you don't like this version of me, then you probably won't like all the other versions of me.

People change. I think for normal people, these changes happen gradually. Unfortunately a person close to me is changing and instead of the normal gradual change, its the sudden out of the blue change. I don't know if I should accept it. This person is probably doing it to punish herself and is trying to be a good girlfriend. I think it's stupid because we're all still young and that we should do whatever that young people are supposed to do. We should do things that we won't be able to enjoy when we're old. I just want to try things out. See if I like them. If I don't, then at least I've already tried them. I won't wonder about it and I won't regret not doing them. She said.. "it's not me.I don't think I'll fit in. I'd rather be alone". This was sudden, considering that we've been planning to do this for some time now. In all truth I am angry and really disappointed. I don't know whether I should accept it or get all bitchy in her face. I should probably just accept it right? I shouldn't care. It's her life. She can go ahead and choose whatever she wants, but I choose to know how different things are. I don't want to be in the dark. Another part of me thinks, maybe this friendship wasn't meant to last for so long. Maybe it should have ended long ago. But then it doesn't feel right. I don't know. I should wait things out and see how they are. Well, life goes on right?

And I shall leave you with that. :)
Farewell humans.

Story

One day there was a person who could not stop thinking about life. This person felt like they were not growing up anymore. This person felt like they were stuck at a young age and that what others their age did, they could not even think of doing. This person felt like they were stuck and that life was not moving forward. The person felt that their need to be alive was none and that death would be a better answer. This person then took a sharp object and tried to cut themselves. But this person could not do it. It wasn't the pain that scared the person. The person wanted a way to die fast and cutting themselves wouldn't help them. So this person finally gave into their weakness and googled "whats is the best way to commit suicide" a bunch of things came up and all. While go-ing through the links, the person heard a knock on their door. The person opened the door and their mother was there. The mother asked what the person was doing but the person said nothing and shrugged their shoulders. The person's mother just stared at the person and the person finally said, reading a book. The mother then said get ready we will be going out soon. The person nodded their head with a smile on their face and said ok i will get ready. The person then locked the door and got back to scrolling on their computer. The person felt sad because the person realized how sad and depressed the person was and yet the persons mother couldn't see it. The person then thought of course she couldn't see it because the person is a good hider of emotions. The person continued with the links and came across a good site where a blogger wrote about trying these different methods because the blogger was not wanted. The person wanted to try these things and wanted to die so badly but the person left the page and the person realized from all this googling that many people need help. That there are so many people out there who are like the person but no one is there to help them. The person felt sad. What else could the person feel?

The End

OMG.....GAH

Don't ever get your hopes up. Like ever. I mean what's the point? You expect someone to do something with you and as always that someone lets you down. People are like that. You should never expect a lot. You should always expect the littlest to come from every greeting. People don't care if they hurt your feelings or any one else's in fact. People don't bloody have to care and you shouldn't have to depend on them. If you want something, do it yourself. Don't depend on ass faces to do it for you. And when a time comes where you forget this, don't worry, because people around you will remind you that you really shouldn't depend on them because they're not worth it.

I dislike social events. Actually I like them but I'm bad at being at them. I'm the one that will answer when questioned but for the life of me I can't start a conversation and it sucks big time. I'm not the charmer of the family. I'm the one who doesn't want to be seen. I want people to just leave me alone.  I don't have a reason to why I want to be what I want to be.

There's nothing else for me to be and this is the best isn't it? Well, screw that. I'll just be this and if I suck at it then I would've officially f***ed my life up and well i'll die in a hole or something. One thing's for sure is that I will do whatever to be good because even though I'm wasting my life now, I can still be good when the time comes. I will work hard damn it and I will try my best to be the best that i can be and I hope for the life of me that i will be able to make friends. Of course I won't be as amazing as her but, I will try my best.

They say this is the time where you make your life. to me it's like I've already lived and what I need to do now is die. But obviously He doesn't want that for me and for the moment I am fine with that. I need to do something. I'm so bored, I'm actually getting better at typing on my laptop. LOL yes, I'm on the internet a lot nowadays but that's life for the moment. I should prepare myself for loneliness in college. OH MY GOD IF I DON"T GET ANY FRIENDS I WILL.......i will... nothing. I'll live with it and probably die of depression. Sigh, I can see it now. I'm going to be the shame of the family. But what did anyone expect. For me to be amazing. Lol joke of the century. OK then I think I have ranted much.

Farewell humans. :)

Angels are pretty

Everything needs a start and an end right? I mean, that's life? Is it? This is a question. I really would like to know. Cause the dreams that I love so much and crave for everyday were supposed to have stopped. If these dreams just pop out randomly, I might die of a terrible broken heart. You're not supposed to make me happy then as soon as I wake up, disappear.

It's disappointing, these dreams. They seem so real and I believe they are real and bringing me back to reality is like ripping my heart out of my chest. When the realization that these dreams were just mere dreams, I get so upset and that feeling that made me feel good, disappears and the hole in the pit of my stomach just becomes bigger and it feels cold and depressing. -_-
And then, I get over it. I mean, I spend the day being sad about it and then just going along with it. You get used to it i guess.

And that is that. :S

Valentines day is coming up peeps. Adam Levine and James Valentine said that everyday is Valentines day. They're so hot. The beard and long hair really works for James. #justsaying
I tweet nowadays. It's weird. Ok. Done.

Farewell, humans :)

Short update :)

It's February 8th :D So far everything has been ok. Except for the emotional breakdowns and thinking to much about lots of things, I am fine :)

 Valentine's Day is coming. Joyful! The plan for the day is to wake up at 10am and then watch tv/breakfast till about 11am? yep, and then I'll go on my laptop and watch.......I don't know. I'll figure it out. The whole day is going to be about me loving me cause I'm my own valentine, and I'm ok with that. I realized that loving myself plays a big part in me being who I am. I have started to try and dress more girlishly. I have to work on the way I carry myself. But to do that, I have to believe in the confidence that I fell is growing in me. I've been working out too :) so that also adds to why I actually look at myself in the mirror nowadays.

I think it was a week ago but one day, I woke up really sad. I woke up and thought about some things that I had done and things that I had gone through when I was younger. I wanted to talk to someone about it cause I felt so down. I felt so sad and a lack of energy and I just wanted to disappear into my bed. I wanted to disappear. I just disliked the things that I did and all these memories just re-ignited my hate towards a certain person. And the whole day was just a drag. But i got over it and I survived the day, so yay points to me. I am so hungry right now.

Ok, so that was an update.
Farewell humans, stay safe :)

2013 :) (The Truth)

Hi to people who are actually accidentally coming across this blog. If you are going to read this post, it's more about..just thoughts and things that I feel is the truth.

So 2013. Hi. I don't think it's going to be a great year. I know I should be optimistic but there's just this feeling that this year is not going to be amazing. Yep. So I wrote something on word and I don't want to save it on my computer so I thought of posting it on here. So enjoy? or be depressed? lol whatves bro.... :S

Have you ever been on the outside? Have you ever seen them? Watched them from afar? They seem happy but they hide secrets. Secrets that no one could pretend to care about, and that is why they greet you with a sort of fakeness. They can see that you’re trying to read them. They see that you’re figuring them out. And there’s nothing they can do about it. They’re intimidated by you. Your slightly awkward presence makes them uncomfortable. They think you’re weird and the best thing about this thought of theirs is that you could care less. Sometimes you think that watching them is creepy on your path but you realize you’re not stalking them. You’re just watching them and learning the ways of these humans. The way they talk and the way they walk. You learn and study their movements when socializing with those who are more respected. You wonder how they could possible know what to say, but then you realize that they know because they’re not you. Not everyone is the same. You know that, but you wonder why you can’t be like them. You wonder why you’re not accepted for being you. You think that maybe there’s something wrong with you. But you pray and hope that there are people out there who will try to accept you for you. People who you get along with and people who can be yourself with. You don’t want to have different versions of yourself. You just want to be you and you just want to be accepted for you.

You try to write stories but let’s all face it, you’re a hormone raging teenager. Most times, your head and mind is filled with boys and sex and kisses. You wish you could just say no to these thoughts because not only do they take up your time but they also depress you because you can’t handle the fact that most people your age have done these things you can only fantasize about. You listen to John Legend and you wonder why on earth there are no people that are attracted to you. You think back to the past where there were people who liked you but you didn't really like them. But all of these memories are far away in the past. You know you shouldn't think about it but you do. The only reason you do is to make yourself feel a bit better about yourself. 

That was part 1? I don't know when I have more thought's I shall update. For now, have a pleasant year :)