Unreal

Today, unlike any other day, I was alone-ish. which means *the couple* had stuff to do and since i hang out with them usually, i was alone. However, i ended up in a place i have been once before. The noise was familiar and the people there looked friendly enough. But of course my inability to make friends prevented me from really interacting with these people. i spent most of the day there. It was interesting. Lots of very weird things came up. LOL but after everything had been said and people became hungry, i realized that people who didn't use to smile at me were smiling and it was ok i guess. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is about the things that i thought about while walking back. Let me tell you about yesterday. After being in the bathroom for sometime, having talks with myself and stuff like that, i THOUGHT that i was an interesting person. hahah. Before the fact that i thought i was interesting really kicked in, in my head, God gave me today to burst that bubble of mine. To completely demolish the thought that i just MIGHT be interesting. OH NO. God full on pushed the fact that my life is not interesting to my face at full speed.

Oh yes, i did enjoy listening about this persons life and all. I did. and i wished that i had this persons life, probably because this person had friends. I'm pathetic, i know. And then i realized, I'm nothing. Not interesting. I'm not someone to be kept. I am someone people use and as soon as they realize how f***ing boring i am, they run. They drop me like I'm not human. Like I'm an object, contaminated.

Yes, I'm not interesting. But some part of me still feels that i could be. I've got stories. Stories, personal stories. I could tell them, if i trusted people enough. I could. I wish i could make friends as easily as anything. I wish i could join this person group. Why you ask? Well, as much of a not-very-good influence this person would be to me, i think i need to rebel for now. I seriously want to just get a tattoo without anyone knowing. I want to get a piercing. I want to smoke weed. I want to get high as fuck and live to tell the tale. I want to get drunk and puke all over the place then get a hangover. I want to dirty dance with boys i don't know. I'm so sick of being goody two shoes. I want to say SCREW THAT or WHATEVER. Just so sick man.

The worst part of this is, I need people to do stupid shit like this with me. I'm the weird one. At least i feel like that. I'm not outgoing. I wish i was. I'm not the skipping class to smoke or "go out with boyfriend" type of person. I'm pure. As in, actions wise. Words wise, i swear alot,especially in my head. The amount of swearing i do is ALOT! Well whatever.

By the way, i know no one reads these posts. This is more like therapy for me. Just to rant about shit and nonsense and the arising suicidal thoughts. I feel that I am of no use in this world. Just want to disappear man. Get hit by a fucking truck or something. Life is not nice.

IN NEED OF BAD INFLUENCE. till next time,:s