Talking to myself

It's hard. I thought I was totally normal with everything. I thought I'd be content with graduating..but now. It feels like I might be sad. But maybe it's because every time you finish something and start something else, you feel a sense of sadness. Not because you're leaving much, but maybe because you know that what's to come may be worse than what you've already gone through. It's more of a feeling that maybe you're not done in this category. You make friends and you think that they won't really last. But what if it's just started to last? What if you've just started to feel that there's more to it. There's more to this category. And the feeling of wonder and regret lingers in your head. But you can't do anything. And then the realization that nothing last's forever, is a real thing because nothing really does last forever. Everything is a stage.Except death. Unless you believe in the afterlife. But if you don't, then death is the last stage. When you die maybe you go into this eternal calming sleep state that you totally deserve because you are a good person. Or maybe it is another stage. Maybe not a stage that leads to the afterlife or reincarnation but it's a stage leading to something greater. What if it's all a lie? What if your being is someones sick and twisted way of entertainment?

I think too much. I think way too much. I need to breathe. Like seriously need to just chill the hell out. I want to be a star. I want to be recognized for my talents and want to be a superstar. But....it's not possible. I should get rid of these thoughts. I should. These things will hold me back from what I am supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to be a singer. If i was, I wouldn't have turned out so shy and weird-like. I'm not supposed to be a dancer. If I was, I would have been more flexible. I'm supposed to be a doctor. I mean it's written everywhere isn't it. And even then, it is a good profession. I will be doing good. And I like doing good. So I would be doing something that I like...right? But what do I do? I go along with it. I've been going along with everything so far, so why stop now.

Farewell Humans.

Stars in the sky

I can't wait for Les Misérables! I mean.. I heard about it on Glee first and thought it was a lie...Then I heard about it on the radio TODAY and now I'm like...come faster Christmas! lol What a better way to spend Christmas :P I love musicals and love the whole cast. I can't wait to watch it and totally fall in love with it :)

I wish we wouldn't all be so clouded in our own thoughts. 
I wish we would open our eyes a little bit more to possibilities.
I wish we could look at the starts and feel one with them.
I wish we could run fast enough just so we could breathe again.
I wish the days would end just so I could dream again.

You know, I want to be different. I want to live in ways I wish I could. I want to feel life in me. I want to feel happiness and not a hole that is never closed. Sometimes I wonder if this hole, this feeling of unhappiness is the whole reason of being alive. Or maybe one of the reasons? 

This feeling is overwhelming and I can't stop the way I feel. I don't know what to do. I wish I had been different. I wonder about life a lot. In the end, is it all worth it? 
Sing my worries away you say? I tried. It just comes back. More heart-aching than before. More thought provoking. More lively, like a fire that cannot be controlled. A splash of water excites it more. Makes it want to be more alive. 

Forgive the ranting. Forgive the randomness. Take one thing with you before you go though. Life is what you make of it. 

Farewell humans.

Hello humans

Hello everybody! Hi! Well.. I got sick on Monday, missed college on Tuesday, went today and survived! YEAHH! and tomorrow is the last day of classes. Friday is my bio final, next Monday is data final, and next Wednesday is chemistry final. After that, I have graduation on the 13 then I am free for like 6 months maybe. Oh and tomorrow I also have Chemistry presentation. Truthfully, I don't want to care but I AM FREAKING OUT! damn it. I'm just gonna go and be as boring as hell because I effing can! Hell yeah!

DANIEL SLOSS THE COMEDIAN IS SO FUNNY AND SEXY! I mean, I've seriously fallen for his awesomeness. He's like super funny yo. Lol I hope one day he Google-s himself and finds this. And if you are reading this, you are like really funny. I think you're very brave for many reasons and you're like just hilarious and ...basically when I'm down nowadays I just get on youtube and find you, cause I can laugh like A LOT! But start doing more! I want to laugh more :D

I wrote like a long as hell letter to my so called pen-pal today, and I basically talked about my life and one thing I mentioned was how I don't really like anybody in college. LOL. What I mean is, I'm not attracted to anybody in college. Some of the boys are like really hot but..nowadays..to me, it's like..oh you're hot..and? and what? are you nice? How's your personality. I just don't want to like a guy just because he's got amazing looks. I want to like a guy who's nice and is someone special in my life. :) ALSO, I know that there's no way I could get guys t like me..so.. -_- yes
byeee

One of my big mistakes

Today..22 November, is my ex-best friends birthday. The only reason we're ex-best friend's is because of me. I've made mistakes and not fighting for our friendship is probably one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done. Of course I made new friends but still..I sometimes wish I hadn't done what I did. We were friends for 3 awesome years..Of course there always has to be some sort of drama in my life. We ended up going to the same secondary school and she was worried that we wouldn't be friends anymore. I told her that we would always be. I didn't keep my promise.

You see, she's an amazing person. And she's the kind of person that attracts popular people. I, on the other hand, am different. I attract the kind of people I know I can be normal with. We got into different classes and I started hanging out with my group more than with her group of people. I didn't really like her group of people. I mean, yes. Popularity. Which high school girl would turn down popularity...sub-conciously...Me. And.....I just let the friendship go because I felt more comfortable with my group more than hers. She's the best person I've ever known and I will never forget her.
It seems that she's been keeping contact with this other girl from our primary school. This other girl always wanted to be her best friend. Like she tried separating us from sitting together on many occasions and she was just annoying. And now, it seems like they're very close friends and.....IT fucking KILLS ME. It kills me to know that...I was that much of a terrible friend, that my friend confided in this other girl. But the only person to blame is me and I should start accepting that. I should not care anymore. I did apologize for being a terrible person and she accepted my apology and yet, I still don't feel right. I guess... I wish I had done things differently.. Even then, what is life if not for mistakes.
So Happy Birthday. You're 18. It'll be a good day :)

Farewell humans

Nothing really.

OH MAI GOODNESS! LIFE, WHY?! WHY!?

Mother of God.....Fishstick,fiddlesticks, flyingfish, farrrrrrrrrrrrr...k.

-_- I swear......Just. God.

Nevermind.....I watched stand up comedy on youtube and I feel better now. Fuck Tomorrow. We'll see what happens. I wish it goes my way.....basically FML.

******************************************************************************
Believe it or not......it went my way. I mean..wow. I wonder why the universe is playing with me again....Isn't this enough?

My stomach hurts...for some reason....I'm gonna get stomach ulcers -_-.
I get hungry at the wrong times....life.

I finished my Bio presentation and Chemistry test today was ok I guess. What else....Oh yes!
Dez Duron's version of feeling good is drool-worthy. I mean his voice is like silky. :)
Melanie Martinez is so unique! She's a true original. :)
I've got a lot more to talk about the contestants on The Voice...but..I'll dedicate a whole post for them..later on. :)

2 more days till the weekend. Just 2 more days...feels like 10.. :S

Ahhh damn you stomach...stop hurting :(

Ok...This was about nothing...

Farewell humans.

I just came to say hello.. :)

Well, college starts again tomorrow. Sigh...so not ready to face whatever that comes my way. But that's why I put up an act that the world is so familiar with. College for 2 more weeks. Then next next week Friday is Bio paper and then Monday is Data then Wednesday is Chemistry. After that I won't have anything to do. But on the 13th is graduation..so I guess after the 13th I'll be done with college. Woohoo :) It's good though. I mean I'm going to be done with this section of my life. I'm fine. I like holidays more anyways....actually Holidays make me very depressed. Maybe because I'm worrying about after the Holidays? But look at my life this way...after college I won't have anymore things to do..hence no worrying. I think.

I actually did stuff today. Feels good. At least, I know when I put my mind to doing something, I can do it :). Whole of next week:
a) Chem project
b) Bio test
c) Data test

Busy busy week. I'll get through it. I always do. That's confidence right there. It's rare when it comes from me, so remember it. :)

I read like all my posts...I mean briefly went through...and I complain about my life a lot. I just complain and complain and complain. I have mentioned that this is the place that I feel, I should be allowed to complain about me....but yeah.. guess I should tune down the emo-ness too. But I am female and my hormones are always all over the place...so yeah. Ok. I will try my best to talk about happy things in my next post? I don't know...we'll see.
Farewell Humans. :)

Happy late Deepavali..and commence emoness..

So, 2 days ago was my Birthday. Also yesterday was Deepavali..the festival of lights. It was nice-ish (13th November)
It was good. We had many people over and we played with firecrackers and it was fun. I've realized I'm the kind of person who would rather hang out with little kids rather than mingle around with..'adults'. Technically, since I have finally reached the age of being called an adult, I should maybe put more effort into hanging out with older people...but they're so hard to talk to and...children are easy.. It's like "Hi, whats your name?, how old are you?..you wanna play with balloons and firecrackers?" See..soo easy. With adults it's all talk. Sigh, my opinion.

I watched a Hindi movie called Like Stars on Earth. Starring Aamir Khan, who might I say is very cute. It's a bout this little boy who has trouble reading and writing then his parents send him away to a boarding school and a teacher helps him out. I cried a lot. Maybe it's my love towards children or maybe it's the kindness and love some people have...but I cried a lot. I was just...I don't know. It made me happy yet sad. There's this one point where the little boy goes into depression and I know how that feels. To be alone in the world, to feel like nobody can help you. You feel like you're trying your best but people keep on bringing you down and you don't even know why. I know the feeling.

And now I'm sad........ Maybe I should just keep up the act of this feeling happy. Smiling and talking as if I've got my life under control....I am far from that. Far from happiness. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Do I really want to become a doctor? DO I want to torture myself for so many years? Do I? What do I want? .......................but Life has no time for me to answer myself ..it goes on and I am to be what I am to be.

These tears....they stain my cheek and I wipe them away. We must not let the others see. We must be strong and handle life. We must not be weak. We must...............live on. But why live on? When we don't want to....when all we want is to not exist. To be gone.................But it goes on...everything goes on. Everything is a phase and we're to adapt to these phases. It goes on..

Farewell humans.

No thoughts.

I was in the train. I thought of something. Something that I wanted to share here. I wanted to share it because it was worth sharing. Another post about life. It is a usual post, but I thought it worth sharing. It's about me. Yes. About me. This thought was more of a revelation. About me. A revelation, about me.

I am a bitter person. A very bitter person. I have people that I dislike, but I also have people that I just outright hate. Hate is a strong word to use. You really have to mean it to use it. I really hate these people. Being this bitter person is tiring. I want to know why I allow myself to be so bitter. I want to know what makes me bitter. People make me bitter. Is it the fact that I am jealous of these people and so leading me to be a bitter person. Or is it the fact that I feel these people have the brain the size of a pea -_- and coping with their stupidity makes me a bitter person..

*Unrelated*
We put on a show for the world.
(*side note*...I tried to blog..but I couldn't think..so what you see at the top is what I've been typing out for the past 2 days -_- I suck I know..OK)
I am still not able to be deep.... I mean I want to tell you how we're all fake and that none of us are really real to any one person in this world...not even ourselves..and yet it's ok..It doesn't mean you're some silent psychopath..you're human. So don't worry about that.

Sigh.....my words fail me for some reason. It's because I want to say more I want to tell the real reasons to what has happened and yet I'm afraid of what others think of me..I'm insecure and it fucking sucks -_-

Well, I don't think I can squeeze anymore things to tell you....not that i said much anyways.. :(
Farewell humans.

Losing my mind damnit

   It feels like my life has added up to nothing. I don't know. Is life...the friends we have or is it the closeness of a relationship? Do we all base our lives according to a specific moment? Like when we're not talking to someone because we fought with them, do we allow the feelings of that event to control the rest of our daily doings? Is that what life is? Where each event affects the next? Is there no consistency to life? Is that the reason why we all have different lives? Because we were never supposed to be consistent in life? We were just supposed to live it in the present...and yet somehow allowing the past or even future events to disturb our living of that present time? That's a lot of questions. But....looking at it that way...basically...it's you who decides. You. Me. I decide. Not really entirely true. Well, I mean, you don't decided which school you first start off with. You don't decide whether or not it will rain on a day that's supposedly a good day for you..External factors really matter....and people with authority.

   Yes well, I think I'm losing my mind. I'm am not a fan of ghost stories or scary movies. My mind  forces me to think about it after and it just freaks me the hell out. It's probably because of Halloween, but images of all the evil movies I've ever watched have been playing in my mind..and I'm scaring myself :( I'm such a paranoid human being. Sigh..... Well I must think of rainbows and hot guys :P

    OMG guess what! There won't be a second season of Jane by design. :( I'm really sad because I was actually very fond of it. It was such a cute series..like literally..Billy is CUTE. :D heh..yes but the plot was interesting too.. :( sigh... OMG guess what?! Gossip Girl started! :D WOOHOO! I'm so girly, I love it!

Update on life..well the two people I talked about... nothing really. I think one has a girlfriend and the other disappears a lot. Extra info: I have never talked to either of these people. I know all these by just observing..no not like a stalker.. :P

Well anyways.. bye farewell humans :)

Love bro. :P

I feel so sick. My nose is blocked and my life hurts very much. I basically want to die. However I have to study, since there's M'sian Studies final exam. I didn't go to college and I feel bad. It's just that I feel so sick damn it. My whole body wants to shut down. I want to shut down. Sigh..But anyways, I must get back to my studying. I can do this. I must pass. I'm frigging superwoman..so yes. I shall continue this post later.

*******************************************************************************
Later:
Well M'sian Studies finished. I'm happy bout that. :D Now to be done with Bio and Chem ISU, then I'll be fine..sigh. Dear god..... I've been thinking about how I don't fit in and how I'm a weirdo and well...basically the usual. It's depressing at times but sleep and reading good books help. :) I finished The Notebook and Ellen Degeneres's book, Seriously...I'm kidding. Awesome book. It's a book where you just read to know more about Ellen and her thoughts. I enjoyed it because Ellen is such a funny being and shes's so good-hearted. She's a real sweet human being and I think more people should look up to her. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
(I wrote something after the heart thingy and then it didn't come out right..I forgot what I wrote :S)

Yesterday, I came back from college and took a bath and then I did the most horrible thing a person could do to themselves.... I looked in the mirror. Dear goodness sake. I am fat. Yes, I am. I'm not proud of it. I don't want to be skinny. I just want to have a flat stomach and less fat. Not skinny..slim maybe? Yes, that was a terrible moment. I slept super early and I loved it. I swear I love sleep. I'm pretty sure that was one of God's gift to humans :) heh

So, i have a friend that I email. This human ( i don't want to say if it's a girl or a boy :P) is such a sweet being. This human makes me feel like someone cares about me and actually want's to know about my boring as hell life. Today i get an email from this being and from the time I start reading it and till I'm finished, I'm smiling. At one point, this being calls me an angel, and I'm just all smiles and Maroon 5 is playing on my headphones and it's one of those moments which I'll probably remember for life.

I've got stuff to do today. Study data! And do all my god-forsaken chemistry lab reports. :P meh..I'm happy now so that should help. Anyways ,when i remember something nice to blog about, I will.
Farewell humans. Love one another :D (inspired by Ellen's closing quote on her shows which is "be kind to one another") She's a doll  :)

Wii U Wii U

*This is not the new Wii U, This is a post with the title Wii U because if you say Wii U repeatedly, it sounds like a police siren...and I found that amusing...because I am weird. Okay..bye :S*

You know how I've been complaining that no one wants to listen to me and how my day is and my stupid life problems?.... Well Friday was a real slap in the face. One, I forgot to take my earphones to college. Two this guy that I knew last semester started talking to me so i mentally forced myself to talk to him. Three, in Bio, these young people ended up sitting beside me and I had to talk to them. Four, in Malaysian Studies, the teacher asked me what I learned the day before, and I forgot and I had to convince myself that it happens to everybody. Five I wanted to buy a shirt so I went to my friend and asked her, who do I ask and then I wanted my friend to ask but she shouted to the person so I went to the girl and she was a bitch. Yes she was a bitch. So this other girl 'attended to me and she was nice. So, life yes. I realized at the end of the day, that god heard me and was so sick of me complaining that HE said..you wanna talk, there TALK! A real slap in the face. Wow thanks god. BUT if you had been listening correctly, I want to talk to someone to release..thoughts. So, I won't be complaining any longer, I mean even god doesn't want to listen to me so we'll keep it in till we blow up and hopefully die.

Well anyways, today is a holiday and I LOVE IT! I feel happy. I may not feel the way that my insides need to feel to be alive again but for now this happy feeling will do :) Well then that's all for now. 

Farewell humans :)

FML..another rant -_-

sigh..... So, I've got a data test tomorrow and I hope I'll be able to do well. It's like this, when you continually do well in something and then when the next something comes along..there's a certain kind of pressure you put on yourself to do just as well as the last something. I mean me..I have to think about not disappointing myself, not disappointing my teacher and it all just really plays with my mind. To add to not being prepared for the test tomorrow, I'm also worried about a Chemistry assignment which is due this Thursday. This may be me being a brat but, teachers should give 2 weeks for assignments like these. It's worrying me and I don't know when I'll be able to have the time to do it because lucky me has Chemistry test on Wednesday. Which means doing it tomorrow is out since I have to study for Chemistry. To add to that, I just wasted an hour doing bloody Malaysian Studies because...basically, everybody else sucks.

I just realized the kind of person that I am. I'm a duty fulfiller and a nurturer. I got this from a personality test that I took. It is quite accurate. I'm the kind of person who worries until something is done. The weird thing about me is that, I'm also a last minute person. Basically, I torture myself with worry until the last minute where I'm doing the project and worrying more..and only when I'm done with my work, do i relax a bit..oh yes then I realize I'm going to suffer the next day because of the days events. I'm just a person who doesn't stop worrying. It's terrible. My mind feels like blowing up some times. yep.

The last post, I talked about boys and very little about twilight. However that seemed to increase my viewers..you could say? Unfortunately, I don't believe in that thing cause it shows like sites the people came from before the came to my site and I clicked on one and it ended up being a pornsite -_- Stupid..virus or whatever shit that's making all these fake people and promoting their stupid sites. I can't wait for Friday! It's a holiday. :D Woohoo! I want to drive on friday. I'll take my sister somewhere..Like Giant :P we start slow then go fast like a cheetah. lol yes. so then that's all for today. Farewell! :)

One of the things on my mind :P

The black eyes- He's so beautiful and white and glowing. He wears this black shirt which fits him right and he looks like my 'Edward' from twilight. I hate the movies, but i actually like the books :S I didn't want Robert Pattinson to be the lead. I already had a certain kind of face in mind. Not until a few days ago I realized just how much this guy represented the image of Edward that I had in my mind. He glows. That day, when his eyes caught me looking at him, i was mesmerized. From the few seconds we made eye contact, his eyes were black. He's just so beautiful. I want to know him. But I never will because I am me. weird and awkward and ugly. But it's ok. Because someone like that was never meant to be with someone like me. But...he's just so beautiful. He stands out in a crowd. Unlike many 'cool' people, there are no stories about him. I want to know him damn it. He's a vampire. lol..no i don't really believe that, but he's so shiny i want to touch his face like a weirdo damn it!

The swagger (lol) - He walks like he's cool. He wears his headphones and people near him can hear the music blasting from his headphones. His cap is on his head and he looks like he couldn't give a f*** about the world. I walked past him and after passing him my face was like 'wth?!' I thought "lol so stereotypical" and then i walked and sat where i wanted to walk and sit. Then he came back to the room i was in and luck of mine was low so, he ended up sitting behind me. I felt weird and I heard him laugh some of the times, probably watching videos. and yeah..Then the other day we went for something and he was walking alone and in all truth I was surprised. I wouldn't have expected someone like him to be alone? I dunno. However, I'm pretty sure he's part of that 'group' that are always there in the morning. yep.

So basically, that's two boys which I've been wondering about. Nothing special :P ok then
Farewell humans :)

Rant of the day- Tuesday!

Hello :D I exercised today! I'm happy. I've been putting this off for 2/3 weeks and now I've finally done it. Dear god I stink! TMI..yes i know. Anyways, today has been an unpleasant day, and everybody's ignoring me. So kind of hard to deal with alone. I've been told that I'm a good listener. I know I'm a good listener. However this makes its very hard for me to speak out. I know that if I call anybody, they'll just end up telling me stories about their life. I am not saying I dislike listening, I mean, I do like listening to everybody else's life, but sometimes I want to talk about my own life. Yes, it's not as interesting as everyone else's but I need to ... 'release my thoughts' you could say? My troubles are petty and can be fixed if I put my mind to it, but I still want to talk to someone. Sometimes, I want to tell them how MY day is going, instead of them telling me. I tried writing it down on a piece of paper but I couldn't. and then I thought about blogging about it, but I felt bad, like I was 'b****ing' about these people I listen to. But seriously  my intentions are not to hurt (?!) anybodies feelings. I just wanted to write it down? Ya.
I guess if I was heard more, I wouldn't be like this. Even when I talk nobody listens. I swear to goodness people have to make up their minds. If I'm quiet, then they say 'oh you're so quiet'. When I talk, they just completely ignore me. I swear, these people DON'T want to hear me. Sigh... so that was my rant of the day. Joyful -_-
Farewell people :S

Bullying

Hello people! Today I'm going to put my smart clothes on and talk about bullying.
So bullying...yes I did want to make a post after reading about Amanda Todd. May she rest in peace.

When I was younger, I felt like I was bullied. Looking back at it, now i know that I wasn't actually bullied. You see, people used to make fun of my name and in high school I had this friend who would throw names at me like I was a rock and yet I kept on being her friend. She was a smaller size compared to me but she would hit me 'playfully' which I didn't like. Being the scared one, I didn't speak up and tell her. You could say that I was less then mildly bullied.

We're human, we make mistakes. In Amanda Todd's case, she ended up making a mistake that followed her for a very long time and the only way out was suicide. I wish she had met a good person that could have at least helped her. The fact that that other guy played with her and got her beat up was just terrible. That ass and his heartless bitch of a girlfriend are probably going through hell now. If someone is threatening you with a stupid mistake which you had once committed a long time ago, the first thing to do is probably tell your parents, if that doesn't work, speak to people who will understand and will stand by you. Don't let people who bring up your past eat at you. If they want to live in your past then screw them. Don't be pulled back by them. Don't allow them to stop you from moving on. As much as society decides on the way you live, you also have a choice on the way you live. Society can sometimes be a bitch. The thing that i don't get is, I'm sure some of these people who were bullying her and being mean to her, had done the same mistake she did. Such two-faced asses. Amanda was probably stronger than all those bitches to have survived for so long. I hope the people and that one person who kept on tormenting her with her past goes to hell..and if not..has a very bad life. You have no right. So STFU and fuck off.

I also saw this other post about a boy who killed himself because he thought he was ugly. I feel sad, because I know what it's like to be judged on the way you look. The fact that everyone around him was mean to him because of the way he looked, speaks a lot about the generation today. It's like instead of moving forwards, we're all moving back. Judging a person on the way they look. to add to that, you make fun of this person without even knowing the kind of person he really is. You're NOT allowed to do that. You can't be so stupid to think that just because a person looks a certain way, he/she is make-fun worthy! Just because he/she doesn't fall int the category of pretty/handsome/hot/cute/beautiful/gorgeous..etc you put him/her in the ugly category. Well you know what ,screw you! Screw you because your stupid bloody thoughts don't matter. Screw you because you are a low-life who will go nowhere in life. Screw you because you think you're great when in real you're not even close to being right.

To anyone who is being bullied, please know that you can talk to your parents or your friends..or if you don't believe in that then you can talk to a stranger like me. Don't keep too many things inside, because one day you might blow up and the ending might not be well. So if anyone ever wants to just talk and get rid of stress, just comment or join experience project. It's a nice site for peopel who have stuff in common. So stay strong and live on :)

Farewell fellow humans :)

~you could call it..realization~

I realize that I really suck at blogging... I blog, expecting people to already know what I'm talking about. Worst blog in the world right here. I am hunger. I need to start exercising. I want to exercise, it's just that when it comes to doing it, I'm like..nevermind, I can do it tomorrow. -_- sigh

I haven't been eating properly. My body system is so weird. I get hungry but then I don't feel like eating.. seriously stomach, make up your mind. -_-

Today was ok. Everything was just ok. Some people are nice to me. Others don't give a fudge about me but I feel they're secretly not liking me. The world hates me and I should learn to accept it. I really should.

I have a presenttaion tomorrow. I'm not so nervous. Need to search for clothes :( God save me. An there's NO malaysian studies tomorrow! woohoo :D

Well that's an update..kind of..not really. :)
Farewell humans :)

You opened my eyes.

Yes, I know, I've abandoned you for a week+ ..I am sorry. But I just haven't had the mood. I mean sometimes I DO blog even if I don't have the mood, but the posts end up being very.. I don't know.. not fulfilling(?!)
I had a very full-ish day. Woke up at 9 believe it or not, then I went for a carnival. It was fun. No hot guys...but who am I to judge. I'm not hot myself so meh. not even cute... Terrible person I am. sigh

Well the carnival was alright, I took care of my cousins and watched them play games. I didn't mind. I loves them very much. Little devils they are :D Ya so I came back and I wanted to sleep but then I decided the day is still young, what better to do then watch a movie with theverysexy Hrithik Roshan in it. So i did that.
Name of the movie: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Its beautiful. Can you call a movie beautiful? It was just really...It made me want to really live. It made me want to be free. It touched my mind and heart and I just fell in love. It was something to think about. I shouldn't hype it up so much because, if you watch the movie expecting something and you don't get it..you'll be disappointed. For me, it was just a....real movie. As you can see, it really affected me... But how long will it last...how long will the effect of the movie have on me before I go back to not thinking that way....

Well, life goes on and we be who we be. I feel sad. I feel that there should be more to life? I feel that we should be able to really feel the depth of life and the beauty life is. This is very hypocritical of me since I dislike myself. My life is amazing. I'm so lucky to be born into this family and to have all these talents. The problem is me. I am the one who stops myself from being what my inner soul really is. I stop myself because I'm afraid and because I'm shy and paranoid and anti social and I just don't fit in. If only I had the confidence to be who I really was meant to be, then maybe i could love myself..just maybe. But for now this introverted person who wants more in life will remain. For how long? Well that's for me to figure out I guess.

I hope that if you happen to come across this blog you feel inspired by this post to look for the secrets life hides from us. I hope you look for what really matters and live life the way destiny chooses for you. For now, farewell :)

Rrrrrrrrandom 2

Today I be being random.

For those of you who live in a hole...actually,no. I live in a hole. It's a hole where all my secrets and dreams and talents are kept. It's a hole only I know of. Nobody is worth it enough to know of this hole.

Listen to A-team by Ed Sheeran. I didn't fall in love with it the first time i heard it. However I thought it suited my not so happy mood and how life is sometimes..not nice. Ya.. so listen to it.

I am a 9-gager. It's a fun site, with lots of awesome stuff. I'm the silent kind though. I like reading the posts. Never really put up anything. lol To day i thought of this.

"OMG! I'm so happy and excited that I got my period"- said a bunch of teenage sluts.

I know....it's not funny :( and that's why I DON'T post things on 9-gag. I thought of first going with -said no one ever...but its the 20th century... teenagers be having sex like they be drinking pepsi. LOL...sigh I'm so funny sometimes... Yes, I did just contradict myself. Well....yes.

oh and The Wanted. They are sexy. I'm such a girl..... God damn boy bands.... I love them dammnit! Maroon 5, The Wanted. sigh... love :)

Chemistry quiz tomorrow...sigh.

Well bye.

Every moment lasts forever...

Hello! Last Thursday was Maroon 5! I wish I had enjoyed it more. I don't know. Unlike last years one, this year...the excitement in me had worn off sooner than expected. Maybe it's my best friend couldn't come..or the fact that as soon as the concert ended a very irritating person made me angry.  Ya. Well the day started off with going to college. All that was fine. But, I wasn't excited. I wasn't "OMG MAROON 5 TONIGHT!" I was more " Ya I'm going for Maroon 5...Ya I'm so happy i get to see them". Well whatever. SO we reached Shah Alam Stadium at 7 something then the line was soo long. :( We weren't really front. I wish I could have skipped college and gone to the stadium in the morning and waited there like a mad person. I would loved to have been in front. sigh. Well at 9 The Cab came out. I am proud to say that they were really awesome and that I managed to sing their songs #likeaboss :D

Then at about 9.45/9.50 Maroon 5 came out. They started of with Payphone. I loved it. I got so excited. Warning to anyone who decided to stand in front or behind me at a concert: If you stand behind me, I might jump and step on your toes. If you stand in front of me, I might scream in your ears (not on purpose of course). Ya. :D I had fun. There actually was a moment where I was so overwhelmed with see-ing them, that i wanted to cry. I just wanted to let it all out on how happy i was that I could lay my eyes on the group of people who have made such beautiful amazing music that i absolutely appreciate! sigh. It's love :) And ALSO I am so proud to say that I can now consider myself a TRUE Maroon 5 Fan.. why you ask? well this is due to the fact that when Adam Levine was 'introducing' the names of the band members I totally knew all their names. Adam was like "..this is our wicked drummer..." and then I shouted out " Matt Flynn" but everyone around me was like silent. In my head I was like ' I am such an awesome fan' :D ya well! wheee. :D

Today, I was in the train texting my lovely friend when this lady and her son come in. So they end up sitting in front of me. I was texting and then the little boy stood up on his chair and turned around and started staring at me. As much as i love children...it gets very weird for me to talk to strangers...no matter how old you are. So anyways I waved and smiled at the little boy and he continued staring. So I thought "well, I'm sure he likes angry birds" , so i started playing it and I showed him how to play it and in no time he was playing and we were high-5 ing each other. Then he came behind and sat with me.. yes his mother allowed. :) So then his mother ended up talking to me while he was playing. It was a very normal conversation. It was nice to have someone talk to me without judging me. :) She told me that she's a dancer and has been for 10 years. So I was like 'so cool!' lol. then she old me how the little boy was so pro in tchnology stuff. He's 3 years old by the way. and how they had an iPad but it 'rosak-ed' lol. Yes that conversation went fairly well and by the time they had to go I was all smiles and i waved at them. :D

Well then humans, bye bye :)

Excitement :D

One day till Maroon 5. Dear god I'm so happy. TO add to that, my grades in college have been like in my terms" awesome" so far. Happiness. But we will not let overconfidence overcome us. I'm so happy damn it.

The weird thing about today's happiness:
I had an afternoon nap and it was a sad dream about me being at the airport and everyone there being mean to me and it end with me crying. So i wake up all of a sudden and I realize that I'm actually crying, with tears rolling down my face. So i breathe. Ya

Excitement, I hope I'll be able to sleep today! :D

Kay this was short. Good night.

not even worth a title

** Warning: content may have vulgar language and abortion issues and racial things**
*** YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED***

I wasn't planning on blogging today... Actually, I never plan to blog.. I just.. blog. But anyways, i was nearly going to not blog today when I suddenly decided to read the newspaper. The first thing i read was about a stupid idiot 20 year old woman who gives birth to a child in her apartment and then throws the child out of her window. What The F**k?!?!
I mean yes, you're not married and you had sex before marriage which goes against your religion and family and what not...but what gives you the right to kill an innocent child. To murder this child that didn't do anything.
For one, YOU had the child. YOU had sex. YOU kept the child for 9 months. YOU didn't think of adoption for the child. I wish I could call you a bitch. But as much as i hate how stupid and how bloody idiotic you could be, I can't call you a bitch. NO! This is not sympathy. I will never have sympathy for people who think that keeping a child in you for 9 months then giving birth and killing the child is right. NEVER.

This also brings up the case of abortion. I have a very mixed feeling about this topic. If you're a rape victim and you get a child out of it, then maybe, just maybe abortion, before.. if I'm not mistaken, 1 month of pregnancy is allowed. I mean, the child may be a symbol of how someone violated you. But the child also may be a symbol at how, you will get pass things. how you are strong. I don't know. ya... getting back to the topic, maybe the stupid female i was talking about, should have gotten an abortion? I know many disagree. If you are to get an abortion please don't exceed 2 months, because after 2 months, it's like you're killing a human.

However, that still doesn't give that idiot,disgrace to the female race, stupid female the right to kill her child. I mean... breathee... I just want to say, You are really stupid for killing your child, and no matter how much you pray to Allah, you're going to hell, you heartless shithead.

A Monday.

I was watching Gossip Girl.. I'm not proud because I should have been studying Chemistry. I LIKE GOSSIP GIRL. It's just too addictive. BUT I have returned to studying. These reaction rates and stuff. I've got a test tomorrow. WOOHOO...no not really. :(

It's like this, i want to say things but I don't know how to put them down. In short, I don't know how to complain about myself and the person I am, at this moment. I mean, both you and I know that I am more than capable at complaining about said things, but today it just isn't flowing out like usual. Maybe I have nothing to complain about? I do. A few things.

I bought these shoes. They cost RM 200+. Now i regret. They hurt my feet. I'm so stupid sometimes. I wish I had really thought about them shows before buying them. I'd never tell my parents that I regret wearing them...I'd feel too guilty. I plan to endure the pain and act like those shoes are the best ones I've ever gotten. I need socks. Ankle high socks. What's so cool about these kind of socks anyways? I'm perfectly fine with wearing normal socks that go higher than one's ankle. But I find myself thinking that I'd be labelled geek or nerd if i were seen wearing normal socks. Seriously though, I should't care. I'm a loner and whatever I wear won't change the minds of these shallow minded human beings. I should wear whatever I want. Screw those who dislike or disagree with the things I choose, I am not defined by the things i choose to wear. Which is true, cause if you see the normal t-shirts I wear to college, and my beautiful hair..lol. I've got wild hair, which I don't bother to tame. I like my hair. It doesn't give me plus points at giving off clean but I prefer it this way.

There's going to be auditions for some Broadway production. There's auditions for those who'd like to sing and dance. I wish I had the time and courage to do it. You never know, I might be the female lead. but we'll never know, because I may think of wanting to try out by the truth is, I'd never do something like that. Singing in front of people isn't really my thing. Since I've never sung infront of anyone, hence I don't know if I have a good voice or not..and by the looks of it I will never know. But it's all for the best? I don't know.

A picture to show beauty perhaps, even though it has nothing to do with the topic? :P

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That, is something I will believe till the day i die. :)

Farewell everybody. Have a relaxing week. 

Not One of You.

'oh oh oh oh ohhh I'm in love with Judaaas Judaas"- Lady Gaga 

We all have a question in our brains......not one question but many questions. Yet if there was a person who came up to you and told you that he had the answers to everything, would you ask him all those question? Would you use him like he wants you to or would you brush him off?

This feeling, has not exactly worn of yet. I'm questioning life. Sitting on my bed and just wasting my time, I think. "Why am I even alive?" " It's not like I'm doing anything useful. I feel numb. It's like I shouldn't but should in fact be here" but i will never know. Of course I'm a person who thinks about suicide.I've actually started to wonder if there is any person in the world who has never contemplated suicide..or at least thought about it. Just another wasted day in the life of being this human being.

Facebook, i was going through today. I saw many things which of course, ended up saddening me. Would you like to know? no? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. The first thing was looking at photographs of this female i envy so much. I envy her because she's so pretty and because she knows who she is. She's got an amazing boyfriend and so may close friends and is admired because she is who she is..not giving a fuck about the world and all. sigh. The second thing was when i came across pictures of people having fun and socializing and wondering how they don't feel awkward in those situations. Such an anti-social, social anxiety-ed and depressing person I am. No wonder my friends are all distancing themselves from me. It may be for the best.

"oh my..that bitch with all her self pity...so tired of it. why can't she just shut the hell up. Nobody friggin cares. Go back to your f***ing corner and cry because that's the only thing you'll ever be good for..stupid bitch."

My inner thoughts right there. So mean she is don't you think? sigh, she brings me down a lot. but I live with her, cause without me, she'd have no friends..she doesn't deserve friends, she's too mean. I'm a nice person but I'm nothing like the rest of the world. I'm not like you people who show your talents and be who you are. I'm different. I'm scared. I'm too humble for my own good. but I'm nice and I'm not that stupid. I'd be able to have somewhat of an intellectual conversation. But oh how the world lacks of that.

A picture for the unknowns?

Ya that looked kinda cool :)

Also, today is Tom Hardy's birthday.. you might know him as Bane from Batman. He's so sexy. I had a dream where he was going to kiss me, and then I woke up. Life is unfair sometimes, sigh. but to the ohsoveryamazinglysexy Tom Hardy, a happy happy birthday to you my love. :)

Isn't he just drool-worthy? *salivating* lol

Well then everybody, goodnight and happy Saturday :)

Too shy to say hello

Hello dear humans. What can I say? Nothing really.. sigh

To person 1:
I want you to follow me to the concert and i'm pushing you to come with me, not because i want the money for the tickets, but because I know I'll have more fun with you there with me. Seems like this pushing you to ask is annoying you and you're ignoring me. Stupid fool. I feel like I'm always there for you. I'm advicing and listening to your stories, which of course I don't mind, but sometimes it gets really hard for me and I need someone to help me. And the weird thing is whenever I feel that I need you most, you're not there for me. I get it. I do. And I have tried to distance myself and we ended up being normal again. It amazes me how the both of us can just ignore things and go back to normal. life...my life.

Today was ok? It was nice cause i slept and no regret. Tomorrow moral finals. i did study.. a bit. Dear God, just help me pass. Passing is enough for me. I don't want to resit the paper.

Maroon 5 in 6 days! I've been feeling really down for the past 2 days. The first day, i handled it by trying to call person 1 and talking, but person 1 was sleeping. So the pain was just all over. I slept that day with some tears because I felt like I couldn't breathe. The second day was much better. I decided that the world is a selfish place and that people suck, so I held my head high and walked like a boss. I mean college was ok.. i survived it but at home the pain and that hollow feeling came back, so I decided to download and watch The Voice 3. Dear god, the excitement for the Maroon 5 concert just came back. Watching Adam Levine and Blake and Christina and Cee Lo just made my day. I felt good and i realized I'll survive without going with person 1. It's Maroon 5! Even if i went with some random homeless guy, I'd still have fun. and so now I can't wait for Maroon 5. It's love i tell you.
Well then, back to studying moral :( Wish me luck! Farewell!

Jibberishandfeverish

Today..yesterday has really been something else. I went of Mr D's memorial. It was good. When one of Mr D's colleague and friend talked and when he was crying, i was like on the verge of crying too. I mean, a person so close to you passed away and you have the courage and will to go up and speak.. That deserves respect right there. After the memorial we went for lunch then we hung out at the spot i go to every morning. Ya then I came home and slept for 2 hours.
As soon as i woke up i turned on me laptop and started with moral essay, then going on to bio blended learning then moral video. Now the cd is being burnt. Its 1.26 am and I'm going to die of sleepy-ness in college tomorrow. Can't wait for the next holiday! sigh. yes in my head it seems like today has been productive yet not productive enough. I've got 2 tests tomorrow. Damn it! I should stop leaving things to the last minute. Well whatever happens tomorrow, i just want you to know, I'm not giving up and that I will improve. Sigh..but you don't care.. well your choice.

That was short. farewell.

Group Works

When one is in a group and well, you have to do a project or whatever, it may be hard if you're a push over like me. I'm not a COMPLETE push over but I have moments where I'm like "No I don't want to do that" in my head but in real life I'm like "sure". Seriously if you don't want to do something in a group then don't. It's your choice. Of course don't be completely selfish and DEMAND things. You just have to know when is the right time to want something and to agree to something even if you dislike it.

Anyways, I'm doing this compilation of an e-book that my group is supposed to do and told them to write one page long essays. I swear, for the past half hour of "editing" (more like typing out the whole f***ing essays for them) I've been swearing. I've been saying " Omg (insert name here) You are so f***ing stupid". I mean what in the world is wrong with these people?!? How can they be so stupid and so dumb.. I can't seem to remember any word that can describe how stupid and lazy and idiotic this girl is. I did ask her to elaborate, but the b***h ignored me.
And this is why everybody, I HATE GROUP WORK.

I used to think that being in a group and doing stuff was better and easier for me but seriously people have a way of irritating me and showing me how dumb they can be. Even the ones who can talk so much.. they're the worst. They talk and talk and talk but never do their work properly. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??? HOW CAN THEY BE SO STUPID?!?!?!

Sigh...well that relieved some of my stress.. back to the work. later people!

The game of life

I skipped college today. I skipped because I managed to convince myself that skipping for one day would be ok. And it is ok. I haven't skipped in like 2 months..more or less. But I still feel a bit bad and worried. It's very natural for me and yet i absolutely hate it.

Today I found out that a lecturer from my pre-u program passed away. It's a huge shock because, he always looked very put together. He looked kind-hearted and he looked like someone who could handle things..ya.. It seems that he passed away because he committed suicide. It's so terrible!! This takes 'don't judge a book by it's cover' to a whole new level. I feel so sad for him. How can a girl drive you to take your life away. :((( Sometimes life is just so terrible. Looking at how much I dislike my life... I start to wonder... Why take away lives of people who are actually doing good to the community, who are helping and giving to everyone.?
I don't want to write his name down, because I feel it a little disrespectful. I don't know why. I hope he rests in peace and i hope he knows that even though people like me did not personally know him and admired him from afar, we will always think of him and pray for him. You have done great and you will forever have a piece of our hearts. Thank you for helping us students and treating us as adults instead of mere students.

and i just want to say to who-ever who is going through relationship problems, you might think you really love someone and you might think that you can't live without them. But the truth is, YOU can! You can do anything. getting over someone might take sometime, but when you completely get over them you will see life in a new perspective and you will realize that person doesn't deserve the greatness that is YOU! Meaningful friendships and family are very good, because when your lover suddenly decides that you're not worth his/her time, friends and family will always be there to hold you upright and lead you the right way. You can do it! Live life the way you want it, don't waste a single day.

RIP Mr D!
:(((( You will forever be in our hearts.


**** The reason of his passing may be wrong, I am not sure. I apologize if it is. Today was very depressing and college felt like all the energy had been drained. Every one is mourning for his passing :( I hope we all are capable of getting through this together. for Mr. D :)

We're having a memorial for him at the main campus on Monday. I'm definitely going.

RIP Mr D!

Limerance

Now, this word means, an attempt at scientific study into the nature of romantic love. :)

Parents are coming back tomorrow morning. Tuesday morning. I wish I didn't have to go to college. I wish i could just skip. I'm too lazy for this life anyways. :(

Thinking about Maroon 5 is getting me more excited. The concerts in 17 days!!! I can't focus on anything. All I keep thinking about is what I'm going to wear and praying that I get there early so that my friend and I can stand right in front. The excitement is awesome. I went last year but we didn't actually get awesome seats. :( the place we were sitting at had lots of idiots who wanted to sit down and watch. WTF?! They probably got free tickets and didn't want to go! It's a concert dumbasses! You're supposed to jump up and down and frigging enjoy every second of it. Stupid human beings. Anyone who gets angry at me for having fun for this concert will be given the bitch face and will be completely ignored. So screw you if you try ruining my mood on the day.

Also, if I'm not wrong, The Cab will be performing. I've listened to some of their songs. They are actually not bad. I'm starting to like them.

Things to do:
- Finish moral essays
- Finish moral video

Things happening tomorrow:
- Bio
- Chem
- Data Management (LOVE)
- Moral -_- ( Hate)

Sooo can i skip??  sigh If only! :(

Lackadaisical

Supposedly from the "cool" dictionary.. it is actually another word for lazy. Which, I must say, suits me very well.

Today was a lazy day ( happy points for making the title somewhat relate able to the post itself :D )
I watched, American wedding. Lol so funny..and very wrong :P I also watched, Empire Records. I really liked it. A very awesome movie! I liked how everything was laid-back and the whole scene was just fun :) Yep... I did do my bio homework, which is an awesome accomplishment. Now I have to finish moral. But I'm probably gonna leave that to the last minute.

You know, karma is really something. I believe in karma. but anyways, I want to talk about luck. Some people are just destined to win things and have things go their way and others actually have to hope and pray. I want to know if karma has anything to do with this. People who have loads of friends and are smart and can talk and all that actually get good things but average human beings who would have some friends and are averagely smart and isn't really good in social situations, they get to watch these 'other' people get whatever they want. It's unfair. I'm allowed to complain because I can. Sometimes I just wonder...what do these people do for them to get all the good luck for them to be "cool". Why don't the normal ones ever get to be 'cool'. People suck. I've already mentioned that.

Well..I have nothing else to write about. Back to my movies. Farewell.  

Carte Blanche

It means the freedom to act..complete rein. Nope, it's got nothing to do with my post. The reason why I gave you the meaning was because.. if you were actually looking for the meaning and you thought that you clicked on the right link but you end up on my blog, then you'd feel irritated cause you stumbled upon a blog about a girl who has no idea where she's going with this. Ok let me make this simple, urm i didn't want to waste your time. Yup that's it.

Well hello dear readers, lol... I ain't got no readers. buuuut anyways, hello! It has been an interesting week filled with interesting things. The first week back from a week long holiday. I mean it's ok... nothing much happened. same old same old.

My sister's left for medical college. I cried.. can you believe it. First one to cry in fact. We may have not been sooo close but we are close-ish. I mean it's not like we share everything and tell each other everything.. It's more like I respect her and she knows it. lol. I am most definitely going to miss her. Yep. The fact that it's not the same with my younger sister is kinda sad. She makes me so angry. She's so stubborn and has no respect and is so naive. I can't become close to her and I'm not even going to try. I have tried trust me. Talking to her is like talking to a rock...no talking to a rock would be better -_-

I'm weird and I think I am starting to accept it. Instead of taking a taxi everyday from the train station to college like normal human beings, I walk. Yes i walk for 15-20 minutes every morning to get to college. Recently I found out 2 guys from the same course I'm doing, take the train at the same time as me and instead of walking, they pay RM 3 for a taxi from the train station to college. I mean, I'd love to take the taxi but my weirdness and my attitude of not liking to make conversation with people I don't know has prevented me from that. I've been walking for 6 months.. I think I can handle another 6 :) I find this semester to be much more better. I'm enjoying it. I just need to keep studying and finishing my work. I can get through this... I hope.

Yes today I'm not as pessimistic as I usually am. That will come back soon. Don't miss it too much. :P I'm cheerful because of today's public holiday! :) I wasted the day watching Melissa and Joey! So nice to watch! :) luckily, there's no test yet? hmm.

Well that's the update... more or less. I recommend Train - 50 Ways To Say Goodbye! <3 love="love" p="p">

Series :D

I had a great idea of a post today..unfortunately, after falling asleep all my ideas ran away. Well thats life i guess.

If you want to get addicted to TV series,.....oh wait i have to download teen wolf. I'll be back soon...

Ok started downloading. Yes I am most definitely a pirate..why? Because I have no time to watch it on TV. I'm partially on my computer and the rest of the time I'm sleeping so yeah :P

Anyways, If you are interested in getting addicted to some TV series I actually have a few suggestions. They are not going to be placed according to my preference, just a random listing.

1) Jane by design
     A new series, basically it's about a high school girl who gets a very high-class job as a designers assistant (I don't know the exact term) and she has to hide her identity from her colleagues because they don't know she's very young. So Jane and her supercutesexyashell best friend, Billy, go through all these adventures together. Also there's always a love story going on Jane and a superhot jock, Billy and a rich popular girl. It's actually very interesting. A suggestion though, don't watch it all at one go (like me) because at one point it gets a tad bit boring. But all in all it's awesome.

2) Teen Wolf
   I LOVE TEEN WOLF. Sorry. This one has 2 seasons. The second one is still going on. It's about a boy who gets scratched by a wolf, turning into a wolf. As cliche as it sounds, it really is awesome. Everytime you watch it, you want to watch more. Also the teen wolfs (sorry i temporarily forgot his name) best friend, Styles, is very much funny. And also a love story going on...which then become into a love hate relationship, since the teen wolf's girlfriend is the daughter of a hunter..which means, she's the daughter of a man that kills werewolves.

3) The Glee Project
   I like glee, so naturally i like the glee project. For those who don't know, it's a competion show where a few teens have to compete to get 7 episodes i think in the series Glee. :) I love Nellie and Blake!:) They're so cute!

4) Revenge
    Currently, season one has ended. Revenge is very very awesome. It's about a girl who's father was wrongfully put to jail and killed in jail. She goes back to her first home and she starts bringing down all the people that were involved in her fathers court case. There is a love story. She loves the boy that shes known from her childhood and yet is kind-of in love with the rich boy that she is using to take down the people involved. and yes, nobody knows that she is the little girl from last time. She changed her name and managed to change her identity. It is really good. My summary isn't giving it justice.

5) Once upon a time
   This is very fairy tale-ish but lots of twists and turns along the way. You get to see these characters like snow white and prince charming and cinderella. It's all just very lovely. and its very interesting. and there's drama. Basically if you like fairy tales with dark0ish twists in it and some more or less happy endings, then you will enjoy it.

That's all of it for now. I will write later :)

I'm not inspired

Sometimes you get so inspired by something.. your mood lightens and your hopes are raised. When was the last time that happened to you? A long time ago? Well, it's ok. It will happen soon. Don't you worry a bit about it.

So today was a lazy day. I did... 1/4 of the work that I'm supposed to do. Yes..a very un-eventful day. I don't know...should i be in the mood to write..type? guess not. yes so enjoy your days while they last. Fare-the-well dear friends. :)

Champions 2

Hello. :)

Bronze medal winner #likeafrigginboss.

Pandelela Rinong! Thank you for winning us a medal! You did us proud!WE <3 :=":" p="p" you="you">You're an Olympic champion now! Be proud! You have your whole country behind you!
Good job! you deserved the medal :D

Champions!

We're all champions. It's true..we are. We may not feel it...we may not even know it, but we are champions.

Dato' Lee Chong Wei. A Malaysian. An amazing badminton player. The man will forever be a legend. The future generation will talk about him the way they talk about Ronaldo. Their eyes will light up whenever they talk about this great man. This man..this legend..this champion! He's given us hope of being a known country. He played his heart out and he was amazing. The fact that he didn't do it just because he wanted a medal is a heartwarming thing. He did it for the nation. He fought and never gave up. When he lost..watching him look so defeated at the badminton court was just heart-breaking. He thought he failed us.. he didn't...not even close to failing us! and for that Dato' I thank you. Thank you for being the humble man you are. Thank you for fighting. We will cheer you on as you go on for the 2016 Olympics. And no matter whichever country I'm in, I'll be cheering and screaming for you. :)

shorts

Words have a way of making imagination more than it is. Words have a way of brightening up our day..just as well as darkening it.
The weird thing about words is that..even if you think before you talk or you don't...you still end up saying them.
Sense is another thing. Senses are like radars. They're like things to discover other things...but what is sense. A person says you don't make sense. But that's their opinion. We're just saying what we feel fits right in that conversation.
Being sorry is stupid. I hate people who are monotonous towards the word 'sorry'. I'm sorry.. then the other person answers "yeah sure." stupid..they don't even want to know what the other person is sorry for.

What else can I say?

Is it all a path we follow? Are we allowed to go off course just because we feel the need to?
Is this the path we follow? Are we allowed to change paths when we feel a sense of repetition?
Do we go backwards when we're trying to go front? Do we change our paths or does the nature change it? Are we all just followers of an unseen force....all hoping to achieve only happiness?
Do we all have different forms of happiness? Or is it all similar in a way?

So hello! How have you been? I've been alright. Surviving. I haven't skipped college in 2 weeks! Can you believe it? If I manage to get through this week then its 3 weeks! Now that's a HUGE achievement for me. No..I don' skip to go out with 'friends' or to watch movies. I skip cause I'd rather be at home.. comfortable and safe. I kind of wrote about a dream in the previous post..kind of. I've been thinking A LOT about it lately. It's just been getting on my nerves on how life turns out. I seem to think that everything is a sort of 'sign'. I don't know...maybe its showing me what I'll never have or maybe it's showing me that something of a similar situation is about to happen. The fact that I don't know pisses me off.

I don't know anymore. Would you choose happiness which is then followed by complete sadness and depression or just being completely emotionless? Not being able to feel anything..because your head and your heart can't take anymore. Sometimes I wonder why I turned out like this. Everybody else is happy and social and all together. Why am I different? Why am I not able to fit in? Why am I the weird one who sits alone? I'd rather be at home.

Nothing

What can I say...I mean I can't say anything. It's not real. Nothing is real.

Dreams..they're just dreams.

It would be nice if this dream came true...then i could feel the way i felt in my dream.

The way everything felt so warm and whole. Could it be?

I search for your face..Hoping that some sort of connection will happen,

It's so stupid...yet I can't help myself,

I want to hope that its real,

I want you to be there for me...like in my dreams,

I want you to be mine and only mine,

I want to feel your lips on my head,

Thinking that i don't feel you kissing my head,

but knowing you want me to.

I'm in love with this dream..

In love.....with a dream....

In love....with an imagination...

In love....with...with nothing..

It's nothing.

I'm such an Idiot

I could laugh at myself...I really could. I was one week early...for Fathers day I mean...I did wish him though, but he's in India so yep. Lol but realizing that I'm one whole week early...was like...WOW.. I realized that I am so stupid. Even I could't believe the amount of stupidity and retardedness that had gone into even thinking that i was early... I didn't even bother to check if i was late...Then throughout the week, the kept on saying on the radio about father;s day gifts and things you could do for your father..and I'm like, its already passed and then my mother says, you better call him on Sunday and wish...and then of course it clicked...I'm so weird i tell you..Of course i ended up laughing about the post before. LOL...amazed at myself.

Yes well that's that. I could remove the post...but where's the fun in that :P
Since it's a holiday now, I am terribly happy. I wish it would never end. :( Unfortunately in 4 weeks time, I've got college again, JOY.

I hate fake people. Just really hate them....actually i just hate people in general. All are idiots who use you. Well, I'm lazy so GOODBYE.

Forgive me Father :S

I'm a terrible daughter. I forgot about Father's day. But he went golf-ing so I guess I can use that as an excuse? I don't know..... I'm a terrible daughter nevertheless.
I was thinking of getting him something as soon as my exams finish but i realized that he's leaving on the same day my exam finishes. No he's not leaving at night, he's leaving early morning. Joyful. :S
Terrible daughter.
Another reason to why I'm probably going to hell.
Well Physics is tomorrow. I lent my calculator to a friend on Friday and she's supposed to meet up with me tomorrow but that bloody idiot is not answering her phone or replying me back. Now I have to rely on asking my sisters to lend me their calculator or asking another friend. I swear I should start getting angry and scolding people.
I'm such a pushover. I hate that about me (one of the many things I hate about myself) I wish i could get angry and come up with awesome comebacks without getting emotional and allowing tears to flow. I hate that. Whenever i feel someones going to get angry at me I back out. Fucking idiots, if only i could talk better you fools would have gotten it good by now. sigh. life

I shouldn't complain about my life so much. Other things in the world that are more important. Like people who are starving, war, global warming, animal cruelty....and the list goes on.
Just a selfish creature I am. Well makes me more human don't you think, being selfish and all.

I don't belong in this world. I really don't. I just don't fit in anywhere. I'm probably a loner, but i don't really enjoy being lonely. hmm.

Physics sucks. Don't know how I'm going to do in it. I've already got 58% which is out of 70, now all i have to do is get 25% out of 100 for this final exam and I'll get 65%+. Because I need that 65% to be able to do medicine in the country that i have chosen to go to. . yup. i need 65% and above for all the important one.... Bio, Chem, Physics and one math subject. I'll be taking bio and chem plus one other subject next term. Looking forward to bio. :) Hope i get what i need now for physics cause that's my only concern right now. Physics and I don't really get along. It's just never enters my head. sigh...

Oh yes....a shout out to whoever that reads my blog. Just cause you guys can handle all my complaining and my nonsense and my terribly PMS-y moods. and in any case that no one actually reads my blog....... the shout out would be quite of no use. so yes..lol.
Well, goodbye then.

Not a good idea posting this

Dear whoever that is out there,

I give up. This is me giving up. Saying I don't care because I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. Every time I get angry, i feel selfish. The fact is that I just don't give a fuck anymore. The only time when I'm at my happiest is when that little angel of mine is around. He's happy to see me which makes me happy to see him even more. He's probabaly the only person in the world who prefers me to the other 2. I love that boy. Of course he loves his mother more but his mother is a good one so yeah.

I want to disappear forever. I don't ever want to come back here. I want to go somewhere else and be somebody. but what if that other place is the same as this one...do i run again. I have never run. and now wanting to do it makes me feel so out of place. Sometimes i find it unfair that I am the person I am now. Why choose me to be the awkward one? Why did I have to turn out like this.? and yes i do blame that unseen force. I'm not afraid to blame because I know I'm going to hell. It doesn't matter how much good you do...the only thing that matters is that if you even do one like really bad thing you'll probably be going to hell too. See you there.

I've got no one to talk to. No one i can REALLY talk to. Why would you people want to know about me anyways.? I'm not interesting. I've got no personality. I'm the kind of person who has to 'act' in a way whenever i first meet someone. I hate all of you.

I sound like the kind of person who's insecure (yes very much), all about me (if only you fools knew), and a person who complains too much ( fuck you. I only complain to few people. I don't go around telling the world about my life...and yet this shit is on the internet....this is probably not wise at all...fuck).

Giving up...the best thing to do. I want to smoke and drink and get pissed high and then i want to get a massive hangover and then a i want to die. I just don't care anymore......................

Rant about Life

I start to back away whenever I feel I'm getting emotionally connected to something. That's probably why I'm my own bomb. As much as i want all that romance nonsense i don't think I will allow it for myself when the time actually comes. I think this is probably due to the fact that I am scared. That I don't want to allow anyone to really know me because I think if i let anybody in, they'll just end up hurting me and leaving me. By the was, this does not only apply to boyfriend-girlfriend things. This also applies to friendship and probably also family relationships. Maybe that's why I'd rather take care of kids than socialize with people my age. Because people my age want to know about me while children don't really care. As long as you're nice to them and treat them the right way, they'll be happy. While people..adults all want to KNOW about you. They want to know what you've been through, they want to know how you're doing.

Or maybe, i just don't want someone to take care of me. I mean I want someone to take care of me but maybe sub-consciously i don't want that emotional connection . Maybe I want to be independent and live by my own terms. I'm not sure. Could this be another reason to why I'm so anti-social?..Probably not.

On the brighter side of life.... Exams are starting this Friday.. -_-
joyful.
But whatever said and done i just can't wait till they're over. I can't wait to get out of this country. :D
I probably should be studying Physics....damn my life. Gonna fail that -_- hope not..then I'll have to take it next semester and I am most definitely not looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to Biology and Data Management for next sem. Chemistry not so much.. heard it was tough. :S
I didn't plan on blog-ing today, but my other-self got the better of me.
I need to start disciplining myself...damn it. I'm such a lazy procrastinator. This will be then end of me I say! sigh.
I'm gonna go die now...no not really just going to go and try and study and if i can't do physics I'll just do Advanced functions. Should probably take a bath first :S
oook! fare-the-well.

Regret- one of many

I remember promising that we would be friends till forever. I remember being so certain about our friendship. I remember you worrying about us while i was confident about us. I also remember when i realised i wanted to change. I remembered placing new things before you. I remember trying to get along with the people you called friends. We were two different human beings. You liked the ones who spoke like they were high and mighty while i preferred the ones who were real. The ones who seemingly wouldn't back stab me. Even before the only reason i was accepted into the 'cool' group was because of you. You gave me the chance to live the life of someone who had friends from both groups..you might say.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the attention, hated the drama. They knew i was not so called 'high-class' just the same as i did. You are the kind of friend that should be kept but i let you go, because i wanted to see how it would be if i were alone. I took the chance to change. I did. And i regret because i know i hurt you. and for that i will never forgive myself. I have apologized to you and i really do mean it. I really am sorry of the person that i was and even sorrier for the person that i have become.

But life goes one. Losing you was a mistake, apologizing was the right thing but nothing can ever ease the guilt that i have for leaving you, for not keeping my promise, because you were one of my best-est friends. I do love you cause I only have you to thank for the person i was but I only have me to blame for the person that i have become.

The best thing to do would be to forget you. Because its all over and its never going to be like how it used to be. Be happy. Live goes on and it won't stop even if you make the smallest or biggest mistake. Live it like how you would want to live it.

Humans

These humans.....all of them... i don't know how many of them...all over the world these humans manage to make me feel bad about myself and manage to anger me. Damn their souls. 

How evil....Damn-ing their souls and all.

What have they done? What about them makes you mad?

Their faces. Their too good looking faces. Their out going attitudes. Their ability to talk to whoever. 

Isn't that more like jealousy?

Yes, it is jealousy. I want to be more like them and less like me.

Why?

Because ....i'm not them. Because being me makes you sad, being me makes you a boring person.

Who said you're boring?

I did have a friend who called me boring to my face..the sad thing was that she was a close friend.

That must have been hard..?

I don't care. People suck. All of them. 

Humans....i dont want to be a bi**h and start bi***ing about people..but i really want to. I don't get it. I'm trying to help with this damnd project and they're not telling me anything about it. I WANT to help. I would love to sit back and do nothing and get the good grades but my guilt doesn't allow me. So why are these people acting like i'm not apart of the group.....Humans. Fools they are. Fools.

To the person I spoke to yesterday while waiting for the train, you're nice. But i think you put yourself down too much. It's good that you're working for money for your studies. Don't ever give up hope...likelah you're going to read this -_-. 

Thank god for old friends. To the person i spoke on the phone with yesterday, thanks. You don't know how much i needed somebody to talk to me about their life instead of me worrying about mine. Even if it was only for a little while, it was much needed. :)

Can't wait till all these projects are gone! I hate presenting and all that. :S ooooook byeeee

Found :D

The little boy, Nayati, was found at 7.55am at Rawang this Thursday. Parents had to pay ransom, but they got the child :) A happy moment for the police I'm sure. Thank god he is back with his parents. traumatized but not hurt.

Farewell. :)

Life and Death

"To be, or not to be, that is the question"- Hamlet (William Shakespeare)


I had to do questions on Hamlet and i came across this very famous quote. In all truth when i was younger, i had no clue what this quote meant. I thought it was like " to be a doctor, or not to be a doctor" or "to be awesome, or not to be awesome" :P yes i made up the last one. Anyways, now realizing what it really means, well, it means a lot. To continue living or to die. Why continue living? Life is a burden. Life goes on and on until you either get a terrible disease, get into an accident, or you die because of old age. And throughout life there are so many things that just becomes a burden. So why go on living? Why wake up? Why go to sleep knowing that tomorrow will probably be the same as today? Why? Why? Why?

Yes i do question myself onto why i go on living. And i still don't know. I don't even like life. I'm greatful for it but i don't like it. Yes I have been very suicidal in one point of my life and suicidal thoughts do go through my mind everyday, but i never act on them. Why? because i know i can't kill myself. And even as much as i convince myself that people wont miss me, which is partially true, i still cant commit suicide. I don't think I'm afraid of death. But i think there is a subconscious thingy in my mind that's continually telling me that life is going to get better. and at times it does. at times, i don't have to worry about lots. At times, i have a very awesome and good day. And even though these things are "at times" only, that subconscious thingy in my mind wills me to go on living,and i do. That's just life. What about death?

Could it be that we are too afraid to die because maybe we will be judged on all the actions that we have ever committed and a judgement will be given telling us whether were going to heaven or hell. Could it be that we are afraid that instead of heaven and hell, there might be something worse? By the way, i don't care if you're Hindu, Christian, Buddhist, Atheist, Jewish or whatever. My parent's taught me to be open minded and to accept all religions. I believe in one ultimate God. At this point, if you're atheist you're gonna be asking me, " What proof do you have that there is a God?" and i would say "I don't have proof. I believe what i believe in, for my own reasons. So i would respect that you respect my opinions." I feel religion is what separates the world. if we didn't have all these religions there might be a chance for all of us being able to be one. I mean I'm not sure, but there could be a chance. And just because we may be from different religions, doesn't make us enemies. This doesn't mean that one of us is going to hell and the other isn't. We are judged on our actions, not what religion we follow.......Wow I've gone out of topic.

I think I've said all that i had to say?...i think. meh forgetful me :S Anyways, I've got to finish these Hamlet questions (save me God). Oh and a prayer for the still missing boy, Nayati. May he be safe and be returned to his parents as soon as possible. Bring some sort of faith in humanity back to me.

Farewell everybody. :)

True Love.

We all look for it. We all want it. To feel so loved that nothing can ever bring you down. Love is more than just a game for two. Quote from Nat King Cole's L--O-V-E. :)

Sometimes life just feels complete when the person you're craving for looks at you or smiles at you or even just looks your way. But the best thing that person could do would be to love you back. Wouldn't that be nice. To be held in the arms of the person you love. To hold the person you love. To get as much as a "hi" from the person you love. and no, I'm not talking about puppy love. not love from a distance. I'm talking about true, pure, ecstasy-like love. Oh how gorgeous it would be. One day, you will find that love. :) If you wait patiently and not lose faith or hope, that soul-mate of yours will waltz into your life. no i haven't fallen in love yet, I'm still waiting. I was just inspired by the movie "The Vow". Its amazing how two people can fall in love for the second time. Its just gives you a lot of hope :).

Anyways, on another topic, the little boy is still missing. I am very sad. I don't want anything to happen to him. I want him to be returned to his parents. I just wish i could do something else other than keep an eye out for him. I want to be able to actually do something so that the assholes who took him will be sent to jail.

Dear God, please help keep the boy unharmed and please let him be found. Don't let the bad ones win. We will pray.

I know i said i wouldn't be posting but as i also said, this is therapy for me. So i needed to rant about whatever.

Until next time :)

unknown

That post yesterday was a very heart breaking one. Why? Why the hell do these people want to kidnap such a young boy. i mean come on. What retarded minds and souls would want to be assholes? Why make the child's parents go through hell?? I feel like my life is insignificant now. Compared to the things going on. Plain dumb. I probably wont be posting anything for a few days because i need to get some peace before being able to rant about my own problems again. I'll keep the boy in my prayers. Please God if you're listening help put some sort of hope back into our lives by finding the boy in a good condition.

Until i find peace, :)

FIND NAYATI SHAMELIN

Nayati Shamelin Moodliar, age 12. 
Dutch-mixed Indian-Caucasian. 
1.50m height. 
Is wearing GREEN SHORTS, WHITE POLO SCHOOL SHIRT with SCHOOL EMBLEM. 
Kidnapped on the way to school on the corner of Jalan Kiara 1 & Jalan Kiara @ 7.30am on 27th April, 2012 in Mont Kiara. The vehicle used was a black Proton Gen 2. The tag number is WNH 1356. (Police have just verified that this is a false number plate). There were two Indian male occupants. If you have news of the missing boy or any news relevant to the case, please call the school @ 03.20938604, the police @ 999, or 019.2333065 and 012.3656202.

Meanwhile, please go viral with this news and keep a look out~ TQ

I know not many people read my blog but pleas HELP FIND HIM! We must not let these stupid human beings suceed in their idiotic plans. We must find him and give the fools who kidnapped him what they deserve and a peace of our minds. Please do whatever you can.

Unreal

Today, unlike any other day, I was alone-ish. which means *the couple* had stuff to do and since i hang out with them usually, i was alone. However, i ended up in a place i have been once before. The noise was familiar and the people there looked friendly enough. But of course my inability to make friends prevented me from really interacting with these people. i spent most of the day there. It was interesting. Lots of very weird things came up. LOL but after everything had been said and people became hungry, i realized that people who didn't use to smile at me were smiling and it was ok i guess. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is about the things that i thought about while walking back. Let me tell you about yesterday. After being in the bathroom for sometime, having talks with myself and stuff like that, i THOUGHT that i was an interesting person. hahah. Before the fact that i thought i was interesting really kicked in, in my head, God gave me today to burst that bubble of mine. To completely demolish the thought that i just MIGHT be interesting. OH NO. God full on pushed the fact that my life is not interesting to my face at full speed.

Oh yes, i did enjoy listening about this persons life and all. I did. and i wished that i had this persons life, probably because this person had friends. I'm pathetic, i know. And then i realized, I'm nothing. Not interesting. I'm not someone to be kept. I am someone people use and as soon as they realize how f***ing boring i am, they run. They drop me like I'm not human. Like I'm an object, contaminated.

Yes, I'm not interesting. But some part of me still feels that i could be. I've got stories. Stories, personal stories. I could tell them, if i trusted people enough. I could. I wish i could make friends as easily as anything. I wish i could join this person group. Why you ask? Well, as much of a not-very-good influence this person would be to me, i think i need to rebel for now. I seriously want to just get a tattoo without anyone knowing. I want to get a piercing. I want to smoke weed. I want to get high as fuck and live to tell the tale. I want to get drunk and puke all over the place then get a hangover. I want to dirty dance with boys i don't know. I'm so sick of being goody two shoes. I want to say SCREW THAT or WHATEVER. Just so sick man.

The worst part of this is, I need people to do stupid shit like this with me. I'm the weird one. At least i feel like that. I'm not outgoing. I wish i was. I'm not the skipping class to smoke or "go out with boyfriend" type of person. I'm pure. As in, actions wise. Words wise, i swear alot,especially in my head. The amount of swearing i do is ALOT! Well whatever.

By the way, i know no one reads these posts. This is more like therapy for me. Just to rant about shit and nonsense and the arising suicidal thoughts. I feel that I am of no use in this world. Just want to disappear man. Get hit by a fucking truck or something. Life is not nice.

IN NEED OF BAD INFLUENCE. till next time,:s 

These fantasies of mine...

"You could sleep with the entire planet and still feel rejected."-the movie, The Science of Sleep

Just something i found while searching for romantic comedy movies to watch. I know, lifeless. :P

But in all truth i am a hopeless romantic. Its not my fault i like the thought of someone looking at me 'lovingly' or bringing me flowers.or stuff like that. note *thought*. hopefully soon enough it will happen? I don't know. It'll happen when it happens? gosh I'm so pathetic. yes so basically this post is about how i want to fall in love and first kiss and all that 'lovey-dovey' stuff. again, very pathetic...i know. but what can i say, not everyone may agree but having someone to know what you're going through is probably a nice feeling, but what would i know right? :S

Well today was interesting enough. Went shopping for dresses. :D i love shopping for dresses. Didn't end up buying anything though. I also watched a movie called Sixteen Candles. i thought it was ok but there's something too short about it. Maybe because its the fact that I feel They're trying to fit the whole movie into like a certain time limit, but it would have been better if they had elaborated on certain stuff. I mean really, what happened to the Chinese guy after he became sober. Did he ever meet the girl again? and even if you have a HUGE crush on someone, doesn't mean you will follow them back to their house so that you can blow candles..oh wait they didn't, obviously they ended up making out. Wow i didn't see that coming -_-

Found out that Russel Peters tickets are sold out. DAMNESS! would have loved to go and laugh my ass off. Would have been awesome, but whatever. That's life. you get some and then you just don't. I have to act in a play next week. The only thing that I'm probably afraid about is forgetting my lines in front of so many people. But i think my "New found" arrogance-ish-confidence might allow me to remember? hopefully. Yes i AM adding somewhat of arrogance to my fake confidence cause i don't think i can take not going 'what the f*** you looking at' in my head at people. So yeah. I'm going to stick with this and see where it takes me.

Till the next time , :)